Life and adventures in The Hedge. Because you NEED an alligator in the backyard

Archive for August, 2011

Herman Needs To Die!

Herman needs to die.

Really I am fairly non-violent. I’m the only one in my family without a gun.
But Herman is an all together different thing.

Herman is really sneaking and annoying. Not great characteristics, but normally not death penalty stuff.
Except for Herman.
Because – Herman is a 7ft Alligator.
As this summer has passed I was kind of at peace with Herman.
I knew he was there in the backyard. Herman had a routine. He’d swim in around sunrise. Hang out for a little while. Back out when he w me bring out the dog. Then he’d lurk.
I could live with this routine. A predictable alligator is okay.

Then it changed. Herman started to swim toward us when we came out. This is a VERY bad sign with an alligator. It means someone around the lake has been bad very bad. They have been throwing Herman marshmallows or raw chicken. Somehow this alligator lost his fear of humans & wanted to come and visit.

Personally, I do not want to visit with a 7ft bull gator. There is nothing small about Herman. He is big and broad. He’s not one of these skinny little gators. I watch the news and they show video of gators being trapped. Half the time I’m like really?? You had to call Fish and Wildlife on that??? A skinny 3 ft gator that you’d let your kid touch after it is trapped is nothing. We have two of those & I don’t care.
Herman is the size of my couch. And he freaking crossed the line about 10 days ago. I was sick. Really sick, the I’m not sure how I’m going to get out of bed, when- did- I –last- shower – kind of sick. The last time I had been that ill it was a mono relapse. (No one knows what happened to me this time – 3 good doctors – all said umm, yeah you’re sick. Rest.)
Anyway I’m dog sick. It is midnight. Freaking Herman decides he’s coming to visit. This is not his normal time. Not his normal visit.
My windows rattle because Herman is in the backyard ROARING. My logical side was thinking: “What the hell Herman?” BUT – the primal part of me was petrified – couldn’t move, heart thumping petrified. The noise is unmistakable.
And the reptilian part of your brain surely says – that is not good. There’s a monster outside. A real live couch sized monster.
The next day Herman kept up his antics. He was out there and not leaving. I called for a trapper. Because of red-tape it takes from Saturday to Tuesday for me to hear from a trapper.
The lapse of days, the delirium of fever and lack of sleep were not a good combination. Herman came back. I got pissed off. I yelled at Herman. He didn’t leave fast enough. I bounced a rock off his nose. Herman left.
I have hurt Herman’s feelings & he’s being a jerk. He’s not showing up at normal times. I have the trapper on speed dial for whenever Herman shows up. He’s been showing up in the middle of the night. I can’t call the trapper at 3 am when Herman is lurking in the lake. I don’t know where he’s hanging out during the day.
I went to take the dog out and spent the whole time shining Herman. (In the dark gator eyes do glow red in a flashlight beam- good way to keep track of his whereabouts.)
I am tired of Herman’s antics. Herman needs to be some gator bites and a handbag.

So yes, Herman needs to die. If I can just get him to show himself, he’s history. I’m almost ready to sacrifice the bag of giant marshmallows to bring him around.
Come on already Herman. Mama needs new shoes.